It’s that time again! It’s been three months since I last gave a HRT update, and nine since I started. So, what’s changed?
How about boobs? Three months ago, they’d only just begun to become prominent. Now, they have a much more defined boob-like shape, and are up almost a full cup size. So far, not too bad in terms of growing pains, but they are very sensitive.
Physically, the rest of me is pretty much the same. Pretty feminine, but still pretty lacking in curves. That could also just be because I’m a skinny little thing, though.
Vocally, I can pass pretty well almost all of the time. Long conversations start to wear me out, and it gets harder to maintain pitch, but at this point, I can walk into a room and have a conversation with a person and pass reasonably confidently.
Emotionally, I am a wreck. Puberty has hit me with everything it has. I’m fragile and weepy vulnerable and sensitive. I was always pretty empathetic, but it feels like it’s been cranked up into overdrive.
I have essentially no sex drive at this point. I can enjoy the pleasure of another person, but have no desire or need for my own physical pleasure. I don’t even have the desire to initiate sexual contact, though I do enjoy it when someone else does.
Laser hair removal for my face continues unabated. Once a month, lasers right into my face, cranked up as high as I can stand. It’s thinned out a fair amount, but it’s still a pretty all-or-nothing affair, so the laser continues.
I have less energy on a day-to-day basis, and it’s hard to tell whether it’s just a natural part of having less testosterone or if it’s the exhaustion that comes with the transition process in general.
Right now, any kind of social interaction is exhausting for me. Even before I leave the house, I’m so focussed on making sure I look right, I’m dressed right, I sound right. From then on, a good portion of my mind is dedicated to paranoia; am I standing or sitting right? How does my voice sound? Check body language, is it strange? How are they interacting with me, and what does it mean? Think about the words they’re using, the places they’re looking.
And so on. I spend so much time thinking about whether or not I’m passing, whether I’m sticking out, I feel entirely unable to just ‘be myself’, be natural. I feel stilted, unnatural and weak. How am I supposed to make a good impression on anyone that way?
Hopefully that’ll pass, given time. Right now, I feel hamstrung, and unable to feel any semblance of being normal.